Musings of a Migrant Flatlander

I’m gonna tweet my own revolution…

Twitter is driving the universe. Regimes are being toppled, celebrities publicly shamed, concert tours announced, pictures of tonight’s dinner posted. Against even my own dubious judgment, I’ve decided that I’m going to tweet the birth of my child! It might go something like…

A Child is Born

NOTE:  The following inspired by this April 2010 blog from The New Yorker. It’s funnier.

• 19 hours ago – Hey Twitterverse… Wife going into labor. Wish us the best!
• 18 hours ago – It’s not clear to me why they call this “early labor.” Those noises she’s making every 10 min sound like the real deal to me
• 18 hours ago – “Just a sec, I’m tweeting this” was not the thing to say just then. #tooearlytofail
• 18 hours ago – Snuck into bathroom to order a pizza. Have not figured out how to sneak delivery man in yet.
• 17 hours ago – RT @mrspalaver That #$%!# pizza better have vegetables on it you [edited for content]
• 17 hours ago – Honey… you’re checking Twitter! You must be feeling ok… that’s great!
• 17 hours ago – Created new Twitter account. Follow me @deadmanwalking to keep abreast of the birth.
• 17 hours ago – RT @mrspalaver I’m still checking Twitter #dumbass
• 16 hours ago – Pizza is here! Neglected to buy beer at store last night. #IknewIwouldscrewthisup
• 15 hours ago – RT @friendinhardtimes I’ve got a six of warm PBR I can bring over.
• 15 hours ago – @friendinhardtimes Dude! Come over… I have 42 episodes of Star Trek NG on Netflix.
• 15 hours ago – RT @mrspalaver Nate, if you come over here with warm beer I’ll make sure it’s the last PBR you drink.
• 14 hours ago – Pizza disaster averted. Found beer in garage. Ohh… contractions 8 minutes apart.
• 14 hours ago – Just called doctor for 7th time. No one answered. Do Dr. offices have caller ID?
• 13 hours ago – @mrspalaver, @MomInLaw and I are headed to hospital! Should be any time now!
• 13 hours ago – S$#! Forgot the overnight bag. I can’t believe that stuff really happens. #walkingcliche
• 13 hours ago – When choosing a hospital, we may have neglected to consider distance from home… and rush hour
• 12 hours ago – Seriously! If my kid is born in this ’95 4Runner, I’m going to sue somebody. Probably Toyota.
• 12 hours ago – RT @friendindeed I heard once that you can drive on the shoulder with flashers on and that’s ok
• 12 hours ago – @friendindeed Yeah… turns out that’s not true. I’ll send you the ticket #needsanewtwitterhandle
• 12 hours ago – This place has valet parking! Sweet!
• 12 hours ago – @mountainpalaver just checked in a Mercy Hospital on Yelp! (1 star, 656 reviews, 3 consumer warnings)
• 12 hours ago – Just noticed this place across the street called Stumpy’s Last Chance. I think I’ll be visting later.
• 11 hours ago – Got into room. Checkin was a nightmare. They have a bathtub in here?
• 11 hours ago – Tried to enjoy bathtub. Was informed it wasn’t for me. Calling insurance to confirm
• 11 hours ago – Insurance confirms, tub not for me. Also, tub use requires pre-authorization. Should be able to bathe in 6 weeks, which is about on schedule
• 10 hours ago – Dr. just suggested we came to hospital too early. @mrspalaver just suggested otherwise.
• 10 hours ago – Ha! I love that Steve Martin. RT @SteveMartinToGo Every time I’ve emailed a shirtless photo of myself the response was “unsubscribe.”
• 9 hours ago – Things have settled down. Walking halls of hospital to speed things along. Caught glimpse of Stumpy’s through window
• 9 hours ago – Anyone know what channel the #kubball game is on? Need the correct spelling of Markeiff for birth certificate.
• 9 hours ago – Walking not speeding things. Request for petocin. They misunderstood and tried to give it to @mrspalaver
• 8 hours ago – @MomInLaw suggested I “take a walk.” I can’t believe that only took 7 hours. Stumpy’s, here I come!
• 8 hours ago – I’m at Stumpy’s w/ 14 other expecting Fathers. http://4sq.com/morons75
• 6 hours ago – I love Stumpy’s. These guys are great!
• 6 hours ago – RT @MomInLaw When I said “take a walk” this is not what I had in mind.
• 5 hours ago RT @StumpysLastChance Hey @mountainpalaver, you owe me $47.50 you idiot. Luckily you left your wallet. #multiplyingfail
• 4 hours ago – Slipped on “puddle” returning to birthing suite. May have been gone to long.
• 4 hours ago – @mrspalaver didn’t notice I was gone. #failturnstosuccess
• 4 hours ago – RT @mrspalaver I noticed, now GET THIS THING OUT OF ME
• 3 hours ago – Things are really picking up now. Passed Breathalyzer administered by nursing staff. Readmitted to birthing suite
• 3 hours ago – Speaking of “birthing suite,” there’s a microwave in here. What the hell is that for? Is that legal?
• 3 hours ago – Birthing class training kicking in. I’m on autopilot now. My breathing is very good. This really helps!
• 3 hours ago – Just issued an order to a nurse in order to reassert my authority. Request for pretzels and aspirin ignored.
• 2 hours ago – Was just asked if I wanted to see the crowning. Mistook phrase for some sort of ceremony. I didn’t want to see the crowning.
• 2 hours ago – Have cold sweats. Whisky up, beer back + crowning = Worst Idea Ever
• 2 hours ago – Had to ask for trash can. Cowering in corner. #thosevideosdon’tprepareyouforthis
• 2 hours ago – Oh no. Oh no! Why is she making those noises? #that’snotenglish
• 2 hours ago – Oh man… oh man… oh man. My Twitter hasn’t been updating my Facebook. #appfail
• 2 hours ago – And there it is!!! Whoa, that looks like a whole lot of responsibility I wasn’t expecting.
• 2 hours ago – RT @MPMom What do you mean “it”?!? What is “it”?!? I’ve been watching you tweet this crap all day and all I get is “it!” #sonfail
• 2 hours ago – Attempted high five of OB… had to leave her hangin’.  #whatisthatonyourhand
• 2 hours ago – There’s a 3rd stage of labor?!? What just happened? What just happened?!?!
• 2 hours ago – Thanks dear! RT @mrspalaver Just welcomed our new child into the world. @mountainpalaver survived and is doing fine.
• 1 hour ago – Had names all picked out. Kid doesn’t look like any of those names. #heyyouyeahyou
• 1 hour ago – They really should just send kids out with name tags. This book of kid names contains several vegetables #gwynethfail
• 1 hour ago – Wife and unnamed child doing well. All are sleeping. @MomInLaw went to Stumpy’s
• 1 hour ago – There she is! RT @mrspalaver Hey @MomInLaw, can you bring me something from Stumpy’s?
• 14 years from now – Success! RT @kidpalaver You are ruining my life!

The Mountain Palaver